Happiness Was Never Mine to Hold
by everybreatheverymove
Summary: Set during 9.16, includes spoilers. Catherine encourages Jackson to move to Boston, but how does April take the news? Has he even told her? Will she make him stay?


**Thank you to those who helped me chose a title, they were tied but I chose the one that fit the story the best. And here it is, a new one-shot to keep you busy until our favourite couple gets back together. It's based on the press release for episode 16, where Catherine encourages Jackson to move to Boston. Enjoy.**

* * *

It pains him to see it.

It's killing him to see her like this, all bright and shiny without a care in the world.

It's awful, he thinks. She was his best friend for so long and he knows that he should be happy for her. Happy for her and Matt. But he's not. How can he be?

It's terrible, and he knows it, but the idea that he doesn't want to see her being happy and giddy right now isn't completely absurd.

The sight of her happiness makes him cringe, and it's something that most people would cherish, their best friend in true joy, but he can't. He can't be okay with this, he can't be happy about it because it's killing him that she actually is.

It's killing him to know that she's found someone who can treat her right. Someone who can give her everything she's ever wanted. Someone who can make her happy.  
Someone she loves. And it's killing him because that someone isn't him.

So, he picks his bag up off the ground and fakes a smile as he steps onto the elevator. Before it closes, he catches the sight of _her_, of _his_ best friend, of _his_ April, leaning up to kiss her boyfriend on the lips, her arms wrapping around his neck.

Is it so terrible to wish that she'd turn around and look at him? Is it horrible that he wishes she'd stop him from leaving? Is it selfish of him to want her to want him back? Is it awful that he wants her to love him back?

Jackson sighs and closes his eyes, diverting them toward the ceiling of the lift as it closes its door. The tiny circles occupy his thoughts until the doors open again and somebody steps inside.

Alex stands beside him and pushes the button for the OR floor. He notices the way his right hand is tightly fisted around the handle of his bag and frowns, "Dude, you okay?"

He slowly nods, taking a deep breath, "I'm fine, I just- I gotta get out of here."

He's not talking about the elevator, or the hospital, and Alex catches on.

"You're really leaving, huh?" He asks, not quite sure of Jackson's answer.

Jackson shrugs, "Yep." He stops himself and turns his attention to Karev, "There's uh- There's nothing here for me anymore." Alex seems to understand, sending his own half-assed apologetic smile, "Honestly, I'm not quite sure there ever was."

The elevator arrives on the ground floor and Alex pats his shoulder, "It's been good, dude."

Jackson smiles, "Don't be a douche."

Karev stares back at him, a friendly look on his face, "I'll look after her for you." He reassures him and Jackson thanks him with a soft smile. He knows what he means: he'll make sure nothing happens to her, to his April, because he doesn't have the courage to anymore.

He nods one last time with a soft grin, "Thanks, man."

Alex smirks as he walks away, sighing a breath as the elevator doors shut again.

Though he probably wouldn't admit it at first, the two of them had become close friends, bros even. Sure, since Avery's arrival from Mercy West and everything the hospital's been through, it's not been easy, but they're friends now. And as friends, you look out for one another. So, he will. And because Jackson isn't sticking around, he's going to take it upon himself to look out for Kepner instead.

He hasn't exactly been a good person to her over the years, but he figures that if she's worth Avery's attention and friendship, then she can't be too bad.

He knows that the whole situation between the two of them is a mess and he's not even sure if she knows that Jackson's leaving town for good.

And, he gets it. He gets why he decided to leave. But those small romantic and incredibly strong sides of his being are telling him that he should have stopped him, that he should have held Avery back and stopped him from leaving because he needs to fight. He should have told him to fight for her, to not give up because that only makes it harder to bare, but he didn't. He didn't, because he could tell by the look on Jackson's face that watching her with that dorky paramedic every day was going to kill him, and he just didn't have it in him to fight for something that she might not have wanted in the first place.

Alex knows, which is why he's going to take care of April, for Jackson's sake. He deserves at least that much.

* * *

He's not innocent, he knows. He's fully aware that he'd screwed things up even more by sleeping with Edwards and he knows that it makes him a horrible person for not even regretting it that much.

Of course he does, that part of him that just wants to take it all back and comfort April regrets it, but the other part? The other half of him that actually felt okay, that felt somewhat content because someone actually wanted him back? That part didn't regret it so much.

And it was easy, she was an easy and nice person to get along with, but that was all there was to it. He didn't have feelings for her, he probably never could. As horrible as it was, she was the rebound girl. She was there to help him get over April, to help him move on and realize that there were people who would actually feel okay about being with him. People who wouldn't go off on crazy Jesus rants after every time they had sex. People who didn't treat him like a dessert because the sex was just so good and yet so very bad at the same time.

But that was the problem. It just took him a little while to realize it.

All of those things weren't the problem, _they_ were. Their entire sexual relationship had been based on a bunch of confusion and miscommunication that had led to mixed signals and feelings getting tangled up. And judging by the outcome, they were mostly his feelings that got hurt.

Jackson stuffs the rest of his t-shirts into his luggage bag, not even bothering to care if they're creased on not. He doesn't think it matters, nothing really does. He pulls the zip of the bag closed and glances around his room one last time. It's completely bare, almost untouched, and his mind immediately flashes back to the time that they'd moved into their apartment. Alex, April, and himself.

It was on a Tuesday, he recalls, a rainy Tuesday.

* * *

_He was unpacking his car as Alex carried boxes up the flight of stairs to the front door. Karev shouted out behind him, gasping at the heavy weight, "Kepner, what've you got in these things?" He asked._

_April stood beside the car, searching through her handbag for something. She smiled and pulled out her set of keys. "Medical books!" She called back, twirling the metal objects around in her hand. She spun around to Avery and bit her lip, "This is going to be awkward, isn't it?"_

_He frowned and slammed close the boot of his car, "Why would it be?"_

_She fidgets and stuttered over her words bashfully, "Because, you're- You're two attractive guys and I'm this- this dorky looking girl and- this? Us, all living together? That's weird."_

_Jackson smiled and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "We all lived together at Mer's. Besides, it's not weird. It's a good idea. I can make sure Karev doesn't make fun of you, you can cook and clean, and he can- We'll find something for him."_

_She grinned next to him, nodding her head, "Yeah, you're right. Apart from the cleaning thing." She told him off, backing away from his body and pointing a finger at him, "And I am not making friends with your one night stands!" She called back as she walked away, the smirk on her face evident in her tone._

_He stayed still where he was and watched her leave, watched her walk away from him. He noticed the way her hair was pulled up and it showed off the edges of her face and her neck. He noticed the way she walked up to the apartment door where Alex was waiting with the boxes, the way she paddled her feet and stopped herself from skipping with joy like a five-year old. He noticed the way she threw her head back and smiled over at him, her face beaming in the sun, "Jackson, come on!"_

_He quickly snapped out of it as the realisation hit him. The realisation that she looked flawless in the sunlight, that she had the cutest smile he'd ever seen, that the way she smiled at him made him want her to never stop._

_And, no matter how captivating she was to him in that moment, he never wanted her to walk away from him again._

* * *

April sits herself down at the bar, ordering herself a drink.

She's had a rough day: a busy ER filled with patients from a bus crash at some retirement home. Of course, watching old people die all day had taken its toll on her, so all she wanted to do was sit down and divert her thoughts with a drink.

She sighs, and swirls the glass in her hand a few times, a habit she'd picked up from Jackson. She shakes her head, trying to rid all thoughts of him away, to get him out of her head. She couldn't think about it, she can't. It's not because she doesn't want to, she wants to so much, but when her mind reels back there, everything comes back to memory and she loses herself all over again. She loses all control of her thoughts and can't help but think of his face, his mouth, his body, his everything.

But she can't, because that's dangerous territory.

She knows it's a bad place to be in because she's been there one too many times, but dangerous territory feels so good. It feels so good that she eventually doesn't feel bad about it, that she tricks herself into thinking it's alright.

April closes her eyes and bites her lip, taking a deep breath.

Oh, who's she kidding?

She wants to go back. She wants to feel that again. She wants him again.

But she can't because he's moved on and she's learning how to.

He's moved on with Edwards, the intern who she set him up with and can't help but want to punch. But she can't, because she's a nice person and April doesn't want to hurt her.

And her?

She has Matt, the all-too-perfect paramedic who can't seem to do no wrong. And he's great, she thinks, he's a lovely person and she could probably imagine a future with the guy if she really tried. He seems like the perfect fit for her, dorky and quirky and awkward. He's what her parents probably pictured when she was little, hell, he's what she imagined. He's probably the guy everybody saw her get married to, and have kids with, and live happily ever after with.

But she's starting to think that maybe he's too perfect. Maybe he's too similar to her, maybe he's too right for her. Because, although she's not the most experienced or improper person anyone could meet, she's starting to like the bad things better.

But that can't happen, because Matt is good for her and, besides, Jackson's moved on.

April lifts her head when she feels a presence next to her at the counter. Alex sits himself down on a stool, and orders his beverage, rubbing his hands over his face. He groans for a second, "What is it with chicks?"

She raises an eyebrow, "What are you talking about?"

Alex shakes his head, "Wilson, she's- Uh! Whatever, I give up with this crazy girl drama." He simply states and she's even further confused. He shrugs it off and sips his drink fast, gulping it down, "What's up with you, anyway? Bad day?"

"Yeah, you could say that. I take it yours wasn't too thrilling either." She jokes and he smirks with a slight chuckle. A thought pre-occupies her mind and she can't stop herself from asking, "Why are you being... friendly?"

She's the first person to admit that over the past year, his manners towards her have improved and he doesn't exactly make fun of her for no reason anymore, but they're still not exactly good friends. So, the idea that he's making small talk and asking her about her day only makes her confused.

Alex stalls for a second and scratches the back of his neck, "I, uh-" He begins, stopping himself to order another beer. He's not sure how to explain it to her, how to tell her, "I kinda promised Avery."

She curves her mouth, "What? Why would you do that?"

She's curious and he can't stop himself.

If she doesn't know, he's obviously going to be the one to have to tell her. She can't hear it from somebody else, and she can't not hear it at all. "It was a- A goodbye promise."

Alex licks his lips and swallows a sip of beer, clearly his throat after the drink. He turns his head slightly and notices the way she's staring at him.

"What?"

Her face is blank and she spins on her stool, turning to face him completely, "What do you mean _a goodbye promise_?"

Shit.

"He-" He can't do this. He's not an emotional person, but the way she looks confused and slightly nervous is making him kick himself. He can't keep it from her. She deserves to know. "He's leaving."

They're simple words but they lose all meaning as soon as she hears them. Her face contorts, her jaw slacks, her mouth shuts, and her eyes sharpen. She blinks a few times, "Leaving?"

"Yeah, when his mom was at the hospital today, she said he should move to Boston with her to get away from all the drama with the lawsuit and everything, whatever." he's given up, he'll tell her everything now, everything she wants to know.

"Catherine? She- Wait, what?" She seems astounded and shakes her head at the words, clearly not getting any of it, "And he- He's- No."

Karev sighs, "Look, I know you guys have some sort of screwed up relationship or whatever but he's leaving so if you wanna talk to him, you might wanna go now." He advises her and watches as she sits still for a moment, tears behind her eyes.

No. No. He can't. He can't leave. It's- No. He can't leave her. She's his best friend, she reminds herself, she would know if he was leaving. She's his best friend or, at least, she used to be. She's not sure what they are anymore. They barely talk, only casual hello's and goodbye's when they see each other at work, only talk about their patients if they're working together, only friendly chit-chat at lunch with the others. She was his best friend, and he was hers, but she's not sure what they are anymore.

But that doesn't give him the right to not tell her anything. He doesn't get to just up and leave without telling her, or without even attempting to. He doesn't get to leave her behind. She deserves to know. She has the right to know if he's walking away, if he's leaving for good. They've been friends for over five years, best for three, and she can't imagine her life without him in it, even if it's only casual hello's and goodbye's when they see each other at work.

He can't.

He was her best friend, he would have told her.

"Where is he? You know, right? You know where he is." She states, as if trying to convince herself that he hasn't left anywhere, to convince herself that Alex can help her out just for once.

Alex falters, "The apartment? I don't know, we didn't really talk about it. He just told me to look after you."

April stiffens, her arms dropping by her sides as she stands up and grabs her purse. That sounds like him, sounds like something he'd tell someone to do if, for some reason, he couldn't do it himself anymore. Like if he was dying or something. But that's not the case, which means he's leaving. Like, really leaving. The kind that involves getting on a plane and moving to a different city to escape everything. But she's doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why he'd want to leave. Of course, the place is filled with so many bad memories, but just as many great ones at the same time. She thinks he'd stay to remember Charles. She thinks he'd stay to remember Lexie. She thinks he'd stay to remember Mark. To remember all the good times with the people who changed his life in one way or another.

If he was really going to leave, why didn't he just go to Tulane? Why didn't he just take the fellowship at the other hospital? Why did he have to stick around for a while and turn her to embers when he left?

She doesn't understand so, instead, she thanks Alex and heads out the door to Joe's, quickly making her way down to their old apartment.

* * *

He's not there. He's not home.

He's gone.

April collapses down on the front step of the building and runs a hand through her hair with a deep breath.

She allows herself to cry because she thinks that this whole thing is partly her fault.

If she'd of just kept her big mouth shut, they could've been okay and happy.

If she hadn't set him up at the wedding, he never would have hooked up with an intern.

If he hadn't done that, she wouldn't have gone out for coffee with Matt.

It's her, she thinks, it all started with her.

She made the first move in San Fransisco. She asked him to leave that same night. She told him to go to Tulane, no matter how much he resisted. She hurt his feelings over and over again, now matter how many times he told her it was hurtful. She agreed when he offered her marriage and everything that comes with it. She somewhat told him it was a blessing that she didn't have to marry him and have his children.

It's her.

This whole thing is her fault.

* * *

Crying seems like a suitable thing to do, a necessary thing to do.

She's going to cry, she knows it. How can she not?

How can she not cry over losing her best friend? How can she not cry over losing the first person that had feelings for her? How can she not cry over him, the first person she fell in love with?

Quickly wiping away her tears, April pushes the door open to an on-call room, slamming it shut behind her. Her fingers turn the lock before she lets her body crumble down to the ground into a fit of sobs, her hands covering her teary face.

It's terrible. It's awful. She doesn't like it, she doesn't like this feeling of losing everything. And though some may say she's exaggerating, she's being dramatic, she doesn't care. She doesn't care because she's losing everything. Her first, her best friend, her love. Her everything.

Maybe it's payback, she thinks, for betraying Jesus. Maybe he's still angry about her going against her wishes so he took him away, so he sent him far away from her to avoid temptation. But that's not it. It can't be. It's not temptation anymore, it's not attraction or provocation, it's him.

It's him, and all of his faults that she can't even add up.

But it's what she wants. She wants hard to understand and imperfection. She doesn't want perfect, she doesn't need it. She wants him, she needs him.

April sits up and leans her head back against the door, resting her hands in her lap.

What the hell is she supposed to do now? Move on? Be happy with Matt and forget about Jackson? She couldn't do that even if she tried. She doesn't want to.

Her mind and soul almost break down, and the realisation that someone else has been in the room the whole time dawns on her when she spots bags in the corner. Bags she's seen before from moving in and out of multiple houses.

It's ironic, cruel almost.

It's horrible that while she's been breaking down, he's been there the whole time.

Jackson sits up and rubs his eyes, "April?"

She perks up and her eyes widen as she stands. Perfect. Now what's she supposed to say? _Hey, I was just crying my eyes out because I thought you left me? _She doesn't really want to tell him the reason because it will only makes things even more harder and complicated for the air of them.

Instead, she folds her arms and stares down at the floor after wiping her tears away with the sleeve of her jacket.

"I spoke to Alex."

He sighs and rises from the bed, stretching his arms out and shrugging his coat back on. He nods slowly, not in the mood for the conversation he can feel is about to ensue. "Yep." He goes to pick up his bag and walk around her but she stops him with her voice, her sad tone catching his attention.

"He said you were leaving." She speaks, glancing up at his face with a pained expression on her own.

Jackson doesn't reply for a moment, instead just licks his lips and shrugs, "I was. I mean... I am. I just got paged to check up on a patient but, uh- I rescheduled my flight, so- I am." He's not sure what to say to her because he doesn't have the slightest clue as to how she feels. Is she sad? Is she happy? Or is she just confused?

April frowns and bites her bottom lip, her teeth digging in for a second as she nods and takes in his words. "You're still leaving?"

"Yeah, I have to."

"What do you mean you _have to_?" She asks, utterly confused.

Nobody is forcing to walk away, nobody is holding a gun to his head and telling him to go. He doesn't have to.

"April-"

She can't stand it, she doesn't want to hear it. "No, you're- You're selfish." She tells him, failing to see the hurt look on his face at her words, "It's selfish. You don't have to go, you don't. You're my best friend, I need you. It's- Why?" Her voice breaks and she stares at him like she's going to fall apart.

He can see the tears welling in her eyes and he wants nothing more than to rid her of them, "April, I-" He starts, trying to find the right thing to say, "There's nothing here for me." He speaks gently, a sore smile on his mouth, "There's no reason to stay. You don't need me anymore."

She stops moving and lets her shoulders drop, his words stinging her. Does he not realize what he's doing to her, she wonders. He's hurting her and he doesn't even realize it.

But maybe he feels the same. Maybe she's hurting him as well but just doesn't know it.

"There are things here for you. There are people here for you." She tries to argue, but he shakes his head.

He gulps a heavy breath and tries his hardest to not watch her tears fall but they'll only make him feel worse, if humanly possible, "Really? Like what? Lexie? No, she's dead. Mark? No, he's dead. You?" He stops briefly and watches the stricken look on her face, "Stephanie isn't- We're not even a thing, we never were. It was just a distraction. And you? April, you... I can't."

The redhead blinks a few times and glances dizzily around the dimly lit room. The number of times they'd spent in here and she never realized how dark it was. Maybe that's why she considered everything so bad and unholy.

He's making this about her. She knew it was, it had to be.

"You can't what?"

No matter what he says, it's only going to make things harder to handle and break her heart into a million more pieces than it already was.

He rushes a hand over his face and gives up. He can't lie to her anymore. He can't do this. He can't, because it's bleeding him out and he's not sure he can live with it much longer.

"I can't handle this thing with you. I can't watch you be happy with somebody else because it's killing me. It's killing me to see you with him. I made a mistake by ending things and now I've gotta watch you move on?"

April shakes her head angrily, "You moved on first!"

"No, I didn't. I made it seem that way because I thought that if you saw me move on, then you would do the same. So, I used her as a distraction and for a few minutes of the day, I didn't feel bad or guilty. And she actually wanted me, and it was nice. To have someone that actually wanted you. And then you did, you moved on, which is what I wanted. I wanted you to move on so I could. I thought that if you were the first to let go then I'd be fine. But, I'm not. I saw you together, and you were happy. It was like we'd never even happened and... I can't. I am not fine." He gulps again, carefully avoiding her eyes, "How do you want me to be fine when the person I love is in love with someone else?"

Her whole body tightens and she can't find it in her to move. Did he honestly just say that to her? Like, really? Love? Like, in love?

"You-" She can't even repeat it and he nods.

"Yeah." he replies back sadly, his eyes finding her own, "And this can't be a one-sided hing anymore. There's nothing here for me." She barely hears him but she sees him pick his bag back up and head for the door.

She can't do it. She can't let him leave. She can't let him walk away from her.

He reaches for the lock to open the door but she grabs his arms and turns around to face him. "Don't leave me." She sounds so desperate and it breaks his heart but he can't stay and watch this. He can't stay and watch her live happily ever after with somebody else. She scrapes her teeth against her top lip, the tears still visible on her face, "It's me and you, right?"

Jackson sighs and looks down at her, cupping the side of her face with the palm of his hand. He smiles down at her softly and holds back the water threatening to fall from behind his eyes, "I can't do this."

She doesn't understand.

"You can't what? Love me?" April wipes the bridge of her nose and pulls the edges of her sleeves closer towards her fingers. She places her hands on his shoulders gently as if it'll stop him from moving. "You can't love me? Or you don't want to? Because... I do. I want you to love me." She can't do this anymore, especially not after that. He can't just tell her those things and then expect to walk away. She won't let him. Nobody's ever loved her before and she's not going to let the first person who does walk away. She grabs his hands and he lets the bag fall from his grasp. She steps closer to him and stares up at him, her eyes blinking back tears that are starting to fade, "Do it. Love me, because I love you too." He grasps her face and leans his forehead against hers. "You don't get to walk away, you can't. Because I love you, and I don't know what to do when you're not around." She tells him, biting her bottom lip and running her hands up his chest until the edges of his jacket.

Jackson brushes a strand of hair behind her ear with a slight smile on his face.

"Love me." She repeats, gazing up at his face. Her lips melt against his when they meet, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck. His hands cup her face, his fingers tangling in her hair as she grips his shoulders for support.

He can't leave anymore. There's something here for him, someone here for him. And no matter how hard he was willing to try, it would be impossible for him to forget about her. Because she's his.

She's his happiness.

* * *

**So, I had no idea how to end this but I think it worked out okay. I cannot wait 3 weeks for this episode, time's literally going to kill me. Hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
